This is not what I wanted my NaNoWriMo graph to look like this week:
No, it’s not a horrible mess of shame. Yes, I’m ahead of the game. Yay! But… just barely. I don’t have much breathing room. And, that’s not good. See, unlike people who work best under stress, when I don’t have breathing room, I just DON’T BREATHE. (Good thing this is a metaphor, huh.) I freeze up. My fight or flight reflex crashes and defaults to FREEZE. In other words, if I get far enough behind where I want to be, I’ll just give up.
And for the record? This was more like where I wanted to be:
Well, technically, if I’m honest, I’d rather be here:
But it turns out they’re not giving out the #1 Best Seller medals at the end of this NaNoWriMo. *shrug* Guess I’ll have to wait till next year.
Anywhoo….. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel like I’m failing. I know I’m doing okay. I’m doing fantastic. This is pretty much the closest EVER that I’ve come to being on-schedule. And that’s cool. So no, it’s not failing. But I’m a bit annoyed that I’m failing to exhaust my potential. And it’s the potential I’m way more concerned about.
I know I can do more. I can do better.
And the thing that really, really annoys me? I know EXACTLY what’s killing the potential.
Sorry, I couldn’t be more original. And yes, this is the same same paralyzing force that, from what I can tell, plagues ALL writers. See: Teri Brown’s The Doubts, or Carrie Rubin’s Mr. Nasty Pants. Sorry, I’m not great at thinking up names.
To me, it’s just FEAR.
What are you DOING? Fear says, horror dripping off its every syllable. That’s the stupidest thing ever, it says. No one is going to read this. Or WORSE, (there is ALWAYS a “Worse” with Fear) they WILL read it and they will laugh. It’s that horrible, cheesy, and frankly, just incomprehensible! Incomprehensible, meaning no one is ever going to comprehend why you did this sad, tragic excuse for doing stuff, says Fear, always the first to rub your nose in it. Nope. People aren’t going to like that one bit, finishes Fear, always with a smug, satisfied gloat.
Yeah, I get it. You can shut up now. >`:
Fear usually lives quietly in the background. But sometimes, it pushes its way to the front (SUPER rude!) Sometimes, after the glimmer of inspiration wears off and before the pride and relief of finishing sets in, sometime right smack in the middle of Getting Things Done, Fear makes itself known, big and ugly, right there in your face, front and center.
Hello, Week 2!
Yup, Fear got very loud this week.
But, I think I’ve found its kryptonite. There’s one thing I can do that shuts Fear up: doing EXACTLY what I fear, before Fear can tell me not to.
I’m talking about writing those things that I can’t write. That I’m afraid to write. Sometimes, that’s the romance that totally sounds great in my head but can’t possibly translate to paper (hehe). Sometimes, that’s the character that is such an unlikeable jerk that I can’t possibly pull it off, and why even try? Sometimes it’s…… whatever.
It’s the things I can’t write.
Sometimes, I need to just go ahead and write them.
And I need to hurry. Fear is coming and I’ve got to keep ahead. Ciao!